The New, Improved Obama! Now with 30% More!

Are you tired of the same old Obama? Do you miss the campaign rhetoric that so enthralled a nation during the 2008 Presidential election? Do you wonder where all the hope and change went? Well, America, wonder no more.

Zombie Billy Mays here for the new, improved Barack Obama.

What do you do if the agenda you're promoting for the country just doesn't seem to work? Is that takeover of the health care system not going the way you had envisioned? And how about your Cap-and-Trade bill? It seems nobody wants their energy bills to skyrocket the way you want them to. And, hey, let's not forget the millions of Americans who've lost their jobs since you took office. Things are looking a little grim, especially for your poll numbers. It seems no one wants your hard left turn toward socialism and decline.

What will you do?

Well, you could amaze your friends and stymie your foes by taking another look at your agenda and asking some hard and uncomfortable questions, like why doesn't anyone want massive tax hikes and government intrusion into every facet of their private life? And terrorists: should I get tough, or should I let Eric Holder and his department endanger the public with a costly and drawn-out show trial that plays into our enemies' hands?

No, you do what you know how to do. You rely on image. That's right, you go back to what got you here. No need for self-examination, none of that messy pulse-taking of the country, no need to alter that fundamental transformation into Europe you promised. You're not that kind of guy. You're cool and detached. You'll carefully craft public events and speak without the filter of the press. You'll get out in front of your critics and control the narrative. You'll show the nation that you're just as angry with the current leadership as they are.

Yes, you'll prove your critics wrong. You won't let petty inconveniences like truth or reality get in your way. You won't allow your inexperience and ignorance to dissuade you from destroying the most robust economy in the world. And you certainly won't let that pesky thing called "the future" keep you from cancelling cutting-edge technology like anti-missle laser systems, the F-22 Raptor, or the manned space program.

No, you'll continue to defy the wishes of America at every opportunity because you're a Modern Politician who knows what's best for your country. While those hicks cling to their stubborn insistance that the Constitution should be the guide for government, you understand that it's an impediment to your grand vision of the country. Yours is a sweeping one that guarantees the US its rightful place in history, right next to Zimbabwe, with you leading the way.

Yes, you'll keep on being a progressive because you know, deep in your heart, that America is evil and the source of all the world's problems. There's nothing special about us that a little totalitarianism won't cure. You'll save us from ourselves and transform us into a place that no one recognizes.

And, for the next ten minutes, you'll get free shipping!