Thursday, October 28, 2010

Barack Obama, We Regret to Inform You Your Learner's Permit has been Revoked

From: The United States Department of Motor Vehicles

To: Barack Obama DL # 11082008ALINSK01

Mr. Obama,

We regret to inform you that we are revoking your Learner’s Permit effective November 3, 2010 at 12:01 am. From that day forward, you will not be allowed to drive any vehicle anywhere for any reason, not even in an emergency. You are only allowed to be a passenger in a vehicle and are not to interfere with the operator of said vehicle in any way.

We have several reasons for this, which we will outline below.

You driving record during the short time since you passed your Learner’s Permit examination demonstrates that you have yet to master, nor fully understand, the rules of the American road. Whomever is responsible for teaching you to drive is either unaware of those rules or displays the same blatant disregard for those rules as you. The numerous wrecks you have been involved in have resulted in sensational headlines in the local newspapers and, we are certain, great consternation to your family and friends.

For our first example, we remind you of when you ran your grandmothers’ car into the emergency room at the local hospital and your inexplicable behavior afterwards where you ran around the scene yelling “Single payer!” until you were subdued by orderlies with an injection of Valium.

The next week you ran your mothers’ car into the front door of the bank. The impact from that crash was so severe that it set off every single dye pack behind the counters. The bank is still closed for cleaning.

By now, the entire town is familiar with your reckless driving. Everyone still remembers when you made the local television news the day you announced that you were opening your own used car lot, which you called “Cash 4 Clunkers” despite your lack of any business experience. The video of your laughter as the bank foreclosed on your lot resulted in many local dressing up as you on Halloween that year. Your insistence that one day you would buy General Motors and Chrysler to quote, “show them how it’s done” has become the butt of many local jokes, causing many in the community to question not only your driving, but also your stability.

Such impudence by someone who should be learning how to drive safely gives us great cause and concern not only for your safety, but also the safety of others on the road with you. It is for these reasons that we are revoking your Learner’s Permit on the date above. If, after a suitable time, you should wish to reapply for a Permit, you will be allowed to do so, but only after a rigorous examination in order to assure this agency that you are no longer a danger when you are behind the wheel.

We remind you that driving is a privilege, not a right, and that safety is our primary concern. That is the reason for obtaining a Learner’s Permit, so that inexperienced drivers such as yourself can learn to drive in a responsible manner.

G. Washington
Director, US Dept. of Motor Vehicles

No comments: