Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Gulf Oil Spill Speech We Won't Hear Tonight

President Obama approaches a lectern which has no teleprompter. He pulls a small stack of index cards from his vest pocket and, facing the camera directly, begins his speech.

"My fellow Americans. During the past two months, our country has experienced the worst ecological disaster in our history. The explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig resulted in the tragic deaths of eleven people. The well that was uncapped in that explosion has leaked massive amounts of raw crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico that is now reaching our shores. It has caused and will continue to cause many in the area to lose their livelihoods. Entire industries that depend on the bounty of the Gulf coast such as seafood and tourism will likely take years to recover, but recover they will.

I and others within my administration have tried to distance ourselves from British Petroleum for partisan political reasons, at times contradicting ourselves as we flail about trying to avoid the negative publicity and damage to my presidency that a spill of this magnitude would surely cause. I have since come to the conclusion that accidents do happen despite our best efforts, and in this case, finger-pointing is a useless exercise in political gamesmanship. I will no longer frame BP as a villain, as I have been informed that many American citizens and British subjects rely on the corporate health of BP to finance their retirement. The continued profitable operation of BP is a high priority for me.

The response by my administration has been anemic at best and has resulted in far more damage to the Gulf Coast and its residents than it should have. For this I truly apologize to the American people. We should have been ready for any catastrophe, as required by law. We have failed you.

In order to correct these grievous errors, I have asked for the resignations of Ken Salazar, Carole Browner, Lisa Jackson, Rahm Emmanuel, David Axelrod and Eric Holder. I expect your letters on my desk by tomorrow morning at the latest. They will be replaced by the best and brightest candidates who have real experience in the field of energy production and business in general. I now understand that radical political views make a poor substitute for concrete, effective action during a national emergency such as this.

In addition, I am directing the White House to formulate a national energy policy that insures that America will have abundant, inexpensive energy for the foreseeable future. This policy will recognize the vital role that oil plays in our economy and will make its harvesting easier and safer by moving drilling closer to shore where spills are more easily contained. I am also directing Congress to lift any moratoriums and restrictions on drilling and to immediately stand down on the American Power Act. Our new national energy policy will also ease the construction of new nuclear and coal-fired power plants by lifting restrictions that, for too long, have held us hostage to the whims of radical environmentalists.

In addition, I have waived the Jones Act and will welcome all who have graciously offered their help, as we have so often helped other parts of the world when disaster strikes. We have much work to do to minimize the effects of this disaster. We must and will return the beaches and shores of the Gulf to their original pristine condition and the lives of its residents to normal.

We will not let this accident deter us from a safe and secure energy future. Thank you and may God Bless the United States".

Staff attempts to revive the stunned members of the press in attendance.

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