Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Live from Washington – It’s Conservative Smackdown Wednesday Night Wrestling

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Conservative Smackdown Wednesday. I think you’ll enjoy tonight’s matchups as we have some of your favorite veterans and a stable of first time contenders coming your way. You won’t want to miss a single second of the action.

Tonight, Charles “Killer” Krauthammer takes on Nina “The NPR Ninja” Totenberg. Killer K is looking to add another win to his record of 143 and 7 with a victory over Totenberg. Don’t let this guy’s size fool you, folks, he’s packed full of dynamite, that‘s why he has the reputation he does.

Next up is Allen “Colonel” West against Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, “The DNC Destroyer” in a much-anticipated grudge match. These two have quite the history, going all the way back to the campaign of 2010 when Debbie the Destroyer issued her challenge to The Colonel at his event down in Florida. Something tells me neither one of them will back down tonight.

After that classic, we have Rick Santorum, the “Pennsylvania Pontificator” battling another newcomer, Dan “Rough Me Up, Big Boy” Savage in a match that I’m sure you’ll enjoy. This won’t be for the squeamish, so if you have small children, we suggest sending them to another room, this one might get ugly.

Following that, I’m told that Steve Wynn, “The Last Resort” will issue a challenge to one of the most famous stars in Washington today, “The Transformer,” Barack Obama. These two have been engaged in a war of words for weeks now, so stay tuned for that one.

And for our main event, we have rising star Joe Walsh, “The Illinois Illuminator” against the man the crowd loves to hate, Chris “The Tingler” Matthews. These two will square off in a cage match that promises to be the most exciting battle so far this season. Only one of them will walk out of the cage, the other one will be carried out. Who will it be in the best two out of three?

Llllllet’s get rrrrrready to rrruuuummmmblllll!

Here’s our first card, Killer K and the NPR Ninja…

Wow, what a performance by the wily veteran. The NPR Ninja was outmaneuvered from the start. He sure silenced that panel quick and in a hurry, didn’t he?

OK, let’s move on to our second match between The Colonel and the DNC Destroyer.

Hey, it almost looks like Debbie the Destroyer has the better of the Colonel. But wait, he’s coming back with a vengeance. He really aims to mop up the ring with her.

From: Z112 West, Allen

Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 04:48 PM

To: Wasserman Schultz, Debbie

Cc: McCarthy, Kevin; Blyth, Jonathan; Pelosi, Nancy; Cantor, Eric

Subject: Unprofessional and Inappropriate Sophomoric Behavior from Wasserman-Schultz

Look, Debbie, I understand that after I departed the House floor you directed your floor speech comments directly towards me. Let me make myself perfectly clear, you want a personal fight, I am happy to oblige. You are the most vile, unprofessional ,and despicable member of the US House of Representatives. If you have something to say to me, stop being a coward and say it to my face, otherwise, shut the heck up. Focus on your own congressional district.

I am bringing your actions today to our Majority Leader and Majority Whip and from this time forward, understand that I shall defend myself forthright against your heinous characterless behavior……which dates back to the disgusting protest you ordered at my campaign hqs, October 2010 in Deerfield Beach.

You have proven repeatedly that you are not a Lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me!

Steadfast and Loyal

Congressman Allen B West (R-FL)

Ouch, that’s gonna leave Debbie confined to a whirlpool bath for a couple of days at least. What a pummeling!

Let’s pause for a word from our sponsors.

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. This next match pits favorite Rick Santorum against a newcomer, Dan Savage. I get the feeling Santorum is none too happy with Savage after last week’s insulting tirade on the Bill Maher show. He’ll be looking to settle this score quickly.

Yes, that’s a veteran in action right there. Kids, if you want to learn from someone, he should be at the top of your list.

And now, we welcome Las Vegas heavyweight Steve Wynn to our microphone. Steve, we understand you have something to say to The Transformer?

And now to respond, we have The Transformer himself, Barack Obama live via satellite.

OK Steve, I think you were heard loud and clear.

After the commercial break, we have the match everyone’s been waiting for, The Illinois Illuminator taking on Tingler in our main cage match. We’ll be right back.

All right everyone, here’s our main card. These two need no introduction to followers of the great sport of political wrestling. We know there are some of you out there who say this sport isn’t real. Well, we’re about to show you just how brutal it can actually be. So without further delay, let’s get this match started.

Wow, I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years as an announcer, ladies and gentlemen. The Tingler was certainly no match for The Illuminator. I almost couldn’t look, and you probably couldn’t look away. What a terrific beating. We hope The Tingler will be OK. As soon as we have word on his condition from our on-the-scene reporter at the hospital where he’s currently being transported, we’ll pass that information along to you.

We want to thank you for letting us into your home tonight and hope you’ve enjoyed all the action from here in our nations’ capitol. Please join us again next week for Conservative Smackdown Wrestling.


innominatus said...

In the hands of a competent batsman, the ClueBat's gonna leave a mark...

... And the mark in Debbie W-S is going to take a long time to heal.

innominatus said...

ooops "on" not "in"